If behavior is over the line relative to aggression, destruction or theft of property, then it’s no longer feasible to maintain the individual in your home. Look for some leverage – then use it and be consistent, “tough love.” “Ultimatums” usually don’t work very well. The normal task of adolescence is individualization (i.e. emotional separation from parents). To some extent this means rebellion – or “you can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do” (e.g. go to class, get a job, clean my room), and/or “you can’t stop me from doing anything I want to do” (e.g. sex, smoking, alcohol, drugs). The hope is that when kids rebel it’s into something that’s not harmful. Issuing ultimatums invokes rebellion – and almost always gets it.
In general, rewards for positive behavior are more motivating than punishment for negative behavior. Behavior you like and want more of, reward. This includes positive feedback, thank you’s, etc. Behavior that’s annoying but tolerable, ignore. Behavior you can’t stand, punish. With ADHD the rewards have to be immediate. Promises of future benefits for current behavior are basically useless. More likely to work is, “When you _____, then I will _____.”
In closing, parenting is hard, especially with teens and most especially with grown kids living at home. God, in his infinite wisdom, gave kids to young people – there are no easy answers. I tell my patients: Being ADD is hard. Living with someone who is ADD is harder.
